rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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