My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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