I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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