Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
