my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
