I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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