From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
