just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If I die, sorry about rent.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
