I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
