I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
