Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
