I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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