I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize