how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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