he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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