a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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