you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
