It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
