First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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