I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
