either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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