Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
