omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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