she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
