i permit you to call me
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
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