I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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