a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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