Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
