her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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