It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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