i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
