grandma shit on top of the toilet
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
