i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
