so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
