today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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