these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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