My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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