The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
