Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
