how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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