Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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