HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
