Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
