dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my shit smells like andre
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
