we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
