I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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