Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
