You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
