I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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