I only kidnapped one of them. chill
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
