Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
