i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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