Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
