remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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