oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
