My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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