I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
