mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
