I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
